28 March 2006

the lengths to which i will go in order to assure i will be admited to a bar or allowed to drink at a gig

so friday i tooketh the day offeth to a) renew my driver's license and b) greet carson on her c. 130 pm arrival.

i got to the dmv around 9 i guess, i wasn't paying attention to time because it didn't matter to me, oh blissful day off. whilst in line, i was able to get a good look at some of the lovlier specimens of my favorite borough. top of the pile was a guy with a north face backpack and an encye jacket who had zero qualms about, uh, i'm gagging just thinking about it, spitting on the floor (and the posts that hold up the 'create-a-zig-zaggy-line' thingies) and then smearing it around the floor with his boot. this, in case you didn't know, is absolutely disgusting.

the woman behind me, who came bearing the largest book of soduku puzzles i've ever, ever seen, kept commenting on how disgusting it was in that passive agressive new york way. i just concentrated on trying not to vomit every time he did it.

when the guy got to the front of the line, he turned and addressed us: "i don't appreciate you women coming here and standing in line and talking shit about men" "don't talk shit about men", etc. and so on. remember, now, we're at the dmv, so just because he's at the front of the queue does in no way mean he will be going off to get whatever he came for anytime soon. this goes on for about five minutes, when i finally decide, the next time he says that i'm going to tell him i don't appreciate him coming here and spitting all over the floor, that's just gross. but he would not oblige me, he kept his mouth shut until he was called. i was really excited about that, too.

this was the first in a number of disappointing and bizarre occurences i was in store for that day.

i got to the info desk and the guy asked me for my social security card and passport...somehow i'm anal enough to find and fill out the form before i even get to the dmv, but i miss the part on the site where it tells me that i need two points of identification and a social security card. huh. bummer.

where, you may wonder, are my passport and social security card? now they are both in my shoulder bag (my passport serving as my photo id for the mo'), then, however, my passport was at my apartment. my social security card was, of course, in my desk. at work. i live in park slope, and work in midtown, and i was at the dmv at atlantic avenue.

i went home. i went back to the dmv, hoping against hope that maybe a passport would be sufficient proof that i was a 27-year-old white chick with no criminal record.

i got on the 4 train to head into the city after being told that no, a passport won't cut it. i need both. (NB: they do give you a lovely slip of paper that allows you to butt straight to the front of the line when you insist on pulling bonehead move after bonehead move, so that really cut down on the timing of everything) ok, so what happens when you're riding the 4 train around 11 am?

one large white guy keeps calling a much younger black guy an "asshole", to which the black guy responds "shut up, nigga', just shut up. why don't you do something about it, pussy?" the younger black guy is surrounded by friends who are alternately egging him on and trying to calm him down. they are at one doorway of the car, and the large white guy is one and a half doors away from them. so this is all very loud and attracting quite a bit of attention from all of the passengers.

eventually, it escalates when the large white guy first asks them if the kids are in school, to which they reply "yes", then he asks why aren't they in school now, which i suddenly realize is a very logical question as it is 11am on a friday. then the large white guy says they are all dumb. this strikes a nerve and the head of the kids is pushing his way down the carriage towards the large white guy. multiple passengers are trying to stop him as he walks through, but fail. evenutally they are standing face to face, save for the 100% stoic guy in between them who refuses to acknowledge either of them. of course, now is when everyone panics and moves away from these three, even though it's pretty clear that both of the antagonists are pussies and nothing at all will happen.

this part was kind of funny, because there they are, right next to each other, all the spectators backed up to a safe distance, but neither one really wants to do anything so they have a shouting match which can't even escalate because they've already been shouting at each other for 20 minutes. finally, the younger kid gets pulled back by his gang, yelling all the way and the large white guy gets off at the next stop. they are still thowing insults as the doors close.

they wouldn't shut the fuck up for the next three stops about it. "why'd you pull me off?" "you heard him, son, you should'a let me have at him", etc. it got to the point where i found myself, for the second time that day (and it's still early) contemplating yelling at someone for irritating the shit out of me. thankfully, they got off.

i made it back to the dmv and waited for the picture, and then for the eye test and finally left with a piece of paper that does me absolutely no good. i don't drive, i drink. i need a photo id.

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