28 April 2006

feeble attempt at a movie review in which i say very little of substance

last night the chromosomes and i watched "Happy Endings". it was part of our "super uplifting netflix bonanza", which included "monster" and "hotel rwanda".

xx asked what the movie was about and i told her it's "one of those movies where everyone talks a lot and there's lots of little stories that all come together". at least, that's what i'd assumed from the trailer. i'm not entirely sure what made me put it on the queue, aside from i like movies where people talk a lot and i have a passing acquaintance with jason ritter. turns out that dude from "bring it on" and "the west wing" is in it, along with tom arnold, lisa kudrow and maggie gyllenhaal, who is not a very good singer and has totally weird boobs. sorry, mags.

anyway, it's a pretty serious movie, when you get down to brass tacks. in the beginning it warns you that no-one dies on screen, "this is a comedy, sort of." and that's exactly what it sort of is. the whole movie is the joke, though. i was the only one who stayed up to watch what the hell happened to all these people, but i was pretty amused and satisfied with the clever little bow they tied around everything. it's far too complicated to try to explain, and it wasn't really all that good. it did, however, feature more calexico and black heart procession than probably any other movie out there...and that's worth something.

According to blogger, you can only have one "chromosome", you can't have any "boobs" and you can't live in "calexico".

a quick interactive post

1. read this part of the MTA's weekly advisory notice:

No trains between 71-Continental Avs and Court Sq
8:30 PM Fri to 5 AM Mon, Apr 28 - May 1 and May 5 - 8

Specifically, this part:

Manhattan-bound trains run express from 71-Continental to Roosevelt Avs
12:01 AM Sun to 5 AM Mon, May 7 - 8

2. click on this link and look at the subway map.

3. explain to me which exactly is a MANHATTAN-BOUND G train...??? and if there are NO trains from 71-continental and court sq, how can those trains run EXPRESS???


Safety reminder of the week: Hold On! 75% of customer accidents happen on subway stairs and escalators. and when i walk straight into you because you refuse to move out of my way when i get off the fucking train.

27 April 2006

tim canterbury. canterbury tales. chaucer. shakespeare

somewhere out there is the craziest person in the whole wide world.

i'm not saying it's definitely this guy, but...

he is blogging as Geoffrey Chaucer. check out the one where his sone taketh overe.

hahah, blogge.

prolonging the agony

ok, so it's totally not earth day anymore. and i totally missed earth day whenever it was. (where were you, google homepage?)

here's an oudated post from endgadget telling you how to dipspose of various electronics. ok, phones and computers...still, it's nice to know that you don't have to just leave them on the street hoping someone in your 'hood will want your crapped out box.

maybe if we all do this the earth will survive a few minutes longer...

26 April 2006

meeting in the aisle

the maj is always running off to meetings when i call her and bitch all day long. this makes me jealous. my job requires no meetings. yesterday i sent out this email:

I've long been saying we need more meetings here in the Legal department, so now here we go.
Henceforth, every Wednesday we shall gather together in the small back conference room for a brief chat about the status list. This will ensure that it is kept up to date. This will also be a good time to discuss who is covering what and for whom. .... It will also be a good time to build our friendly bonds.
I'll see what I can do about some refreshments.
First meeting will be tomorrow, April 26 at 3pm. (Please let me know if that doesn't work for you)

and today we had that meeting. i brought a cupcake (there were only three of us), part of which ended up smeared all over the inside of my bag due to poorly constructed cupcake transportation methods. and i brought a list of things to discuss and ideas to make life better for the legal peeps.

i've long imagined meetings to be similiar to college seminar classes: i sit in the back and think rude and obnoxious thoughts and barely pay attention to what's actually going on, coming up with idiotic suggestions on the fly if someone should happen to notice that i am, in fact, in the room and might need to participate now and again.

this time, though, it turned out that i was sort of in charge of the meeting. which felt weird since my boss was there, and i was sort of telling him what to do. awk-ward! plus, i really didn't come very prepared.

conclusion: meetings suck.

williamsburgh borders building

so those of you who would give a damn probably already know that they're turning the soon-to-be-formerly-the-tallest-building-in-brooklyn into residences, but it seems (according to g'mist) borders bookstore will be moving into the ground floor. where the bank is. so there will no longer be a bank there. in the williamsburgh savings bank building. cool.

this is a good time to complain about all those buildings going up on fourth avenue that now block my view (from the gym, at least) of the empire state and chrysler buildings. thanks, guys! pick two of the nicest things i can see from the gym (thankfully distracting me from the sweaty dude in front of me or that super thin girl over there) and, i don't know, build some fucking ugly ass buildings blocking my view of them. you're the best! when's that nets stuff happening? i'm so ready for that!

further, what the hell is coming in on the corner of 5th and 14th? it looks like a bloody hotel or something. and who decided to paint it that weird yellow color? i still wanna go in there and see what the apts are all about. and something tells me that retail space is already affianced to a chain store. frankly, i'd rather have dee & dee back. it sure as shit ain't gonna be another bar, which is really the only useful thing they could put there.

and speaking of chain stores, the former salvation army, which is currently a giant hole surrounded by plywood and ads for someone's new album, is rumored to eventually become a gap kids. at which point i will move out of new york. it's all been downhill since my local hardware store closed and re-opened as the world's shittiest bagel retailer. god, those things are awful.

25 April 2006

get your cone on

jensenator just informed me that today is ben & jerry's's free cone day.

that is all.

this is not fucking cute

bookmark this page right now.

you know what's great about the internet? it's totally out of control. OK, mostly out of control. anything and everything is anywhere and everywhere. i can write this stupid blog and you can read it. you can also download porn.

and no one stops us. we have various search engines to help us find where we want to go, or wikipedia and dictionary.com to find out what happened on our birthdays and whether or not i spelled "inclement" right.

grassroots homepages have virtually no disadvantage over corporate websites. sure, they may not look as nice or be as easy to navigate, but if they've got the information you're after, it doesn't matter.

Congress is pushing a law that would abandon the Internet's First Amendment -- a principle called "Network neutrality" that prevents companies like AT&T, Verizon and Comcast from deciding which Web sites work best for you -- based on what site pays them the most. Your local library shouldn’t have to outbid Barnes & Noble for the right to have its Web site open quickly on your computer.
Net Neutrality allows everyone to compete on a level playing field and is the reason that the Internet is a force for economic innovation, civic participation and free speech. If the public doesn't speak up now, Congress will cave to a multi-million dollar lobbying campaign by telephone and cable companies that want to decide what you do, where you go, and what you watch online.
This isn’t just speculation -- we've already seen what happens elsewhere when the Internet's gatekeepers get too much control. Last year, Canada's version of AT&T -- Telus --
blocked their Internet customers from visiting a Web site sympathetic to workers with whom Telus was negotiating. And Shaw, a major Canadian cable company, charges an extra $10 a month to subscribers who dare to use a competing Internet telephone service.

(via boingboing)

spring proclamation

i was just talking with one of the lawyers here at the jobby job and i told him that we should really all go home as it's such a nice day. he told me to draft an all staff email for such an occasion, and living in my own little world as i do, i did it.

to: All Staff
Re: Spring/Summer hours

Due to the prevalence of lovely springtime days, we will be instituting new hours for the fairer seasons.
Any day during which the temperature is between 70 and 80 degrees farenheit shall be optional. For everyone's convenience, please do not arrive at the office before 11am or leave after 4pm. We do not want those who chose to stay home altogether to feel guilty.
The dress code is off. Pjs, shorts, flip flops, excessively short skirts and tank tops are absolutely fine. Feel free to skip through the office with no shoes on.
Worktime naps should be taken between the hours of 11am and 12noon and 2 and 4pm. Pillows are available in the conference room.
If you are listening to music at your desk, please make sure it is pretty. No one wants a depressing song in the spring.
Lunchtime will be extended for at least 30 minutes. We will provide petty cash for those of you who did not bring your lunch.
Please keep your internet surfing limited to emailing and reading blogs. We do not want to ruin the lovliness with thoughts of war, murder, the mta or any other displeasing topics.
Remember to spend time chatting on im and gchat. You need to make plans for all your gorgeous afternoons.
There will be bonuses given to those who continually leave the office and go straight to bars to enjoy alcoholism out of doors.

Should the weather be inclement, (i.e., rain, thunder, hail, wind, general gloominess) please stay home and sleep. Cranky workers are poor workers. You need your rest and no one likes getting up when it's yucky out.

If you choose to come in to the office, please be advised that we will be showing "the west wing" in the main conference room in the morning, followed by a rotation of "family guy", "america's funniest home videos" and "america's next top model" in the afternoons. Beer and marijuana will be provided.
Further, please do not mess about with the subway anymore. Hired cars will be provided. Or, if you prefer, we can rent you a sweet convertible. Parking will be provided.

Should you have any questions or requests about this new policy, please email us.

The bosses.

24 April 2006


remember how fucking nice it was last thursday? thanks to bonnaroo's birthday party, i got to spend it hanging out on the roofdeck of the delancey sipping frosty, albeit overpriced, beers.

xx met me at the office and we walked downtown, where we hijacked jensenator from work and met up with shwags for some nicky's sarnies. cheap and cheerful, highly recommended.

coach dodgeball brought many many many many cupcakes from a bakery near the magician.

it was yet another night where i thought "i'll head home kind of early" but when xx had to leave to go meet a friend who was in town, i stayed. and when everyone decided to head to the backroom later, i went with them.

the backroom is pretty fun. they don't let you just walk right into the back backroom. they stop you. and three bouncer guys emerge from nowhere to make sure you comply when the waitress gets all up in your shit and says "no one's allowed back there".

this joint serves its cocktails in teacups and i heard rumor that the beers came in paper bags. my beer -- by the by, $6 for a goddamn bud light is pretty fucking ballsy -- did not come in a paper bag. this presented a conundrum: would i rather have the fairly cheesy novelty of drinking a beer from a paper bag in a bar instead of on the subway? or have the sound knowledge that this bar is not being excessively wasteful in serving all its beers in paper bags? then i thought "shut the fuck up and enjoy your massively overpriced bud light".

since [manlio's] been gone

the only good thing about people leaving (unless, of course, you don't really like them much in the first place) is when they have outrageous going-away parties.

we feted manlio twice, once at the aforementioned croxely ales/ace bar/sing sing night of 10,000 drinks and once again saturday, at loreley.

maj and i went to BAM's "Importance of Being Earnest" earlier in the night, so we were a little later than i'd planned. and i mainly wanted to be on time for my djing debut.

bonnaroo and i spun an hour of brit pop, dance pop, a song that was decidedly not "don't stop till you get enough" and some "weird stuff", including "they must be giants" ('new york city'--just to remind him what he'll be missing). it was hysterically nervewracking.

k-fed was up next, follwed by coach dodgeball and dens, and then it kind of turned into a free-for-all. there was dancing the likes of which have not been seen since k-fed's birthday. again i found myself thinking, i'm tired, i'm thirsty, i'm sweaty, i'm hot, i am out of breath--I LOVE THIS SONG!!! ahh, dancing.

there was a great deal of beer spilt, especially during my bhangra action when someone put on that panjabi mc song. not the thing to do with a full beer. at one point, i ended up with a strategically placed slosh of beer on my right tit, so it looked like i was lactating. which led me to say to xx the next day, "how awesome would it be if you could produce beer instead of milk?"

excellent dancing was had by everyone and no tears were shed. i sort of pretended it wasn't really a going away party. but now i am sad. and he's not even gone yet!

the acme of the evening, for better or worse, was an altogether bizarre reaction to kelly clarkston's "since U (god i hate when people do that) been gone". this is a dirty pleasure reserved mainly for the gym, but on the dancefloor it became apparent i was not the only one who knew over 50% of the lyrics. i've had the damn thing stuck in my head ever since.

the whole bag of rocks family wish you the best of luck, manlio. and you're always welcome back here in nyc.

19 April 2006

if he didn't, he'd be dead

west river and i had some subway sandwiches for lunch. mainly because i had to go to the post office and send my passport off to be lost in the abyss of beaurocrats in the indian consulate and some asshole threw away my lunch that was in the fridge at work.

we were discussing how quizno's came out of nowhere and hijacked the mediocre sandwich market and how now subway toasts their sarnies and how lame that is. and then i remembered rathergood. joel veitch is this fucked up englishman who makes
weird videos with--i don't even know--photos and stop-animation and stuff. anyway, there was this little video with these horribly freakish creatures singing about how they love the moon and quizno's took it and made them love the subs. ("they have a pepper bar")

so i was just there again, and there is a ton of new stuff since the last time i was there.
check it out.

future bloggers of america

check out what some dopey kids did with oreos.

ok, i'll tell you to make sure you click the link. they made sculptures out of them. (boingboing)

also, lester dug this up at my request.

matt pond pa's cover of "in the aeroplane over the sea". dig it on a spring day...

18 April 2006

i have less will power than i even thought i had, which wasn't much

it's passover. i'm a jew. it follows that i should be not eating bread, pasta, candy, chips, french fries...anything, really, that doesn't come in a cardboard-like circular or rectangular shape. over the years, i've practiced varying degrees of solemn devotion to the story of god telling pharoh to back the fuck up off the chosen people. sometimes i really don't eat anything that's not K for P. sometimes i'll give myself a day or two off. sometimes i'll go sephardic and eat rice (which opens the world of chinese and indian food) -- or i'll decide "it's flat, i can eat it" in the case of such desirable foods as tortillas, pasta and corn chips (with whipped cream cheese). sometimes (i.e., this year) i do something awesome and cross passover with lent, and give up beer.

beer is made of yeast. yeast is not allowed. (so, incidentally, are scotch, whiskey, bourbon, etc.) so i've been drinking a lot of vodka and wine. it was vodka cranberries that led me from croxley ales to ace bar (where i hit a 100 on the skeeball) and finally to sing sing on thursday night for manlio's "surprise" party. it was wine that then helped me through what i can only imagine were hideous renditions of "don't stop believin'" (accompanied by xx), "sister christian" and "bust a move" (the last two songs, i must admit, were chosen for me). it was wine that convinced me that of course manlio would enjoy having "yellow" wailed at him by myself and k-fed (again, not my song choice).

it was wine that got me through the weekend at Martha's Vineyard with xy, his bro and his bro's gf. (mini recap: brisk beach bocce with people who don't understand that this is not about how far you can throw the pallino, nor should you aim for the surf; a sweet, roaring fire; a story about a 36-second-long vomit caused by broxy attempting the "i bet you can't drink a gallon of milk in an hour" dare which reduced me to tears; lots of clam chowder and two of the most idiotic fast food fuck ups to which i've ever been privy.)

so yesterday, after i had to leave work almost immediately after i got there and attend to some family business in new jersey, i was clearly in dire need of an alcoholic unwinder. broxy had mentioned over the weekend that gyc was up and running for this season and i gathered xx and the maj for a recon mission to find out if this was, in fact, true. a few hours later, after a successful visit to one of god's finer creations, the maj and i were walking down to the subway and i gasped: "oh my god, i drank beer all night!"

that's right. it's not like i got there and thought, "oh, they only have beer here, i should try to get these guys to go somewhere else" or even "well, fuck it, i've been good for like four days, i'll just do it" . no it didn't even cross my mind until i was GONE. my subconcsious clearly had other plans: "gyc is open, all bets are off".

13 April 2006

come to india! die in various ways

the times today has quite a bit of uplifting news for those of us (wcs and the maj) headed to india this july...
would you like to be
shot in the crossfire of maoist guerrillas?
or contract

i guess it's better than hanging out with new hippies.

12 April 2006

spice up the seder with ratner!

if you're like me, a jew, and you're aware that tonight is the first night of passover, you may be wondering where to get a haggadah. i found some at walgreens last year and i know those maxwell house ones your parents used are still floating around somewhere. but if you're still looking, and especially if you live in brooklyn, here is the


Question 1: Why is it that Brownstone Brooklyn consists of unleavened low-rise buildings, but at Atlantic Yards Bruce Ratner wants to build seventeen high-rise buildings?

(via curbed)

i hope it's full of cheese sauce

so while on earth we're trying to convince ourselves we're not actually destroying the planet, NASA's decided the moon can go fuck itself because finding water for "future outposts" is a good reason to CRASH A SPACE PROBE INTO THE MOON ON PURPOSE. they want to make a giganto hole so they can check if there's water in there.

is nasa run by a bunch of six year old boys? isn't there some super nerdy way to figure this out that doesn't involve intentionally slamming something into the fucking moon making explosions that will apparently be visible from earth?

speaking of cheese sauce, i recommend the curly fries with cheesey goo at the melody lanes bowling alley. i also recommend bringing your own ball.

i swear i will stop talking about food soon

first: do not let me near a krispy kreme donut for at least a year.

second: had dinner with aunt and uncle queens last night in, uh, queens. thai food. awesome. it's near the 61-woodside stop on the 7. get off and walk around until you find the big thai place that's not on roosevelt ave. it's great!

third: everyone likes to bake special things at certain times of year. this guy decided to make a cake with cadbury creme eggs instead of real eggs (via boingboing).

11 April 2006

brimful of asha at carnegie hall

yeah, bitches. remember that song? i love it. a lot of people hate it. but what's even more exciting is that the aforementioned asha played carnegie hall on saturday night and the aforementioned (or not) wild cherry sara was there for all the sari slapping excitement.

kronos quartet came out first and played some stuff, including a cover of sigur ros's
Flugufrelsarinn, which, clearly, was wicked awesome. i love carnegie hall, except i always sit in the cheap seats and these tend to make me feel a little woozy. they are so freaking high up. i spent a great deal of the intermission wondering how the hell they change some of the lightbulbs before deciding the bulbs must be able to descend and they come all the way down to the floor and people change them that way. anyway, eventually a mad tablaist and bitchin' pipa player made their ways on to the stage and they all jammed. after the intermission asha came out. this woman is 73 years old and she is an ass kickin' singer. her voice is amazing. it was fantastic.

special food edition -- part 2

the maj and i had dinner at gravy friday night.

guess what?

mushroom goat cheese lasagne.

special food edition -- part 1

hey! i'm back at my own desk. what a thrill.

last thursday xx and i went to chestnut for that whole dine-in brooklyn thing. so, um, yeah. fig stuffed pork chop. wow. and then the "mid-course" of gnocchi. i didn't realize they could fry gnocchi. which leads me to ask: why doesn't everyone fry gnocchi? anyway, by the time desert came we were basically half-dead. i told the waitress to bring the cheesecake in a to go box. she did not think this was charming. however, she brought us the chocolate whatchamacalitthingy. i highly recommend you get your fat arse over to chestnut and order this thing. it's totally insane. insanely delicious.

we left the restaurant feeling utterly disgusting. as we hailed a cab to take our bloated stomachs home from carroll gardens to park slope i turned to xx and said: "you know what we've just turned into?"
xx: "what?"
i: "americans"

07 April 2006

are you lookin' for the mother lode?

no, my child this is not my desire.

then check out corp. cas.'s 10 bottom ebay items. cause you want a mountain dew vending machine.

i thought you should all know

they're letting me train someone!!

yep, there's a new guy at the office, and no one redlines like i do, so we've been spending some qt together. i realize you're all jonezin' for my patented brand of cynical deconstruction of the world around me, but you'll just have to wait.

the f isn't stopping at smith/9th, carroll or bergen manhattan-bound during the day sat & sun (till 10pm).

tonight: the mugs @ magnetic field
tomorrow: asha bhosle @ carnegie hall
sunday: bowling!?!

03 April 2006

coder barbie?

slashdot ran me into this article about mattel's computers running a linux os

special quote for you:

Still, Mattel says it is confident of the potential of BarbieOS 1.0 to find a niche market of young girls under thirteen who are dissatisfied with
current Microsoft offerings and are looking toward maybe asking mom and dad for a full-powered Linux laptop running BarbieOS this Christmas.

cause, you know, there are TONS of thirteen year old girls who've just HAD IT UP TO HERE! with microsoft.


Many of the girls we talked to said that they were tired of constantly patching their Windows systems against the latest Outlook worm, only to find that the patch breaks one of their custom applications or reduces the performance and stability of the operating system," according to usability consultant Randolph Hanes, an interface expert who conducted major portions of the research.

these are thirteen year old girls we're talking about here. GO OUTSIDE! even to the mall. you see? i'm even happy if you'll just go to the MALL now.

He said many girls are also complaining of getting stuck on the Microsoft upgrade treadmill, and expressed little interest in upgrading to the latest versions of Microsoft Windows and the Office productivity suite until they come bundled with a new computer system. The girls cited prohibitively high costs ($400 for Office, $300 for Windows XP) and a lack of interesting features as reasons they were holding off on upgrading.

ok, my head is definitely going to explode.

barbie, leading the charge for young girls to become computer hacking geeks.

Barbie would also be tired of Microsoft's licensing bullshit," he added.


seriously, you should read this thing.

uuhhhpdate. yeah, note the dateline on this here story. good old april fool's. thank god. i finally noticed that all the stories on slashdot were REALLY FUCKING WEIRD. but i didn't notice the dates on them. whoops!

it's t shirt weather!!!

i know it's usually all gripe and groan here at bor, but today i bring you a special report: awesome spring weekends are the best ever

friday started off with drinks at the
delancey with the lion. we rocked the roofdeck action and i had a cosmo for the first time since i was in college, i think. the roofdeck is really nice, if you haven't been there, i highly recommend checking it out. nice fountainy thing and tropical plants... amazingly not that crowded, either.

we followed that up with some din din at
soy...this place is delicious, but don't bring your appetite. the portions are fantastic but much closer to snack size than dinner. appetizers recommended.

i was pretty beat and decided to head home pretty early from a party on rivington. plus xx had shown up with some buddies who'd all been at
armstrong's when a lady was hit and killed by a city bus , so they were ready to bail, too.

saturday was a nice lie in...followed by a meander with xx. my earrings were
fixed! the trees were in bloom! (pics coming.) it was totally warm! it started raining just as we got to soda! "bars are the new umbrella", xx.

i've been meaning to get to soda for a while, so it really was a perfect surprise that just as we were getting a bit weary and thirsty and the clouds were looking particularly ominous, i looked across the street and saw it. GREAT beer selection, including six point, magic hat circus, guinness, blue moon pale ale (i think), OS cider...and more. i wasn't in a beer mood and the bartender graciously made me a rum punch, which was fantastic. we sat and watched it rain. then it stopped and we walked home and i made a vat of mushroom risotto and watched
space ghost coast to coast.

sunday: the maj and i are kind of weird. we'll do things like get up and meet at 945 am the morning after that whole "spring forward" junk to go to clinton street bakery.

first, though, a tale of wcs...saturday night i set my clocks forward, including my brookstone alarm clock, which i used to think set itself but did not this past "fall back"...i woke up when my alarm went off at 742 (i set it to be sure i didn't miss meeting the maj and was too lazy to change it from my normal wake up time). so 742 on the brookstone clock, 642 on the guinness clock on my wall...of course my brain is functioning at about 15%, so it took me a bit of time to figure out what time it really was. ha. go me.

anyway, after brunch we walked back to brooklyn. then i went to meet bonnaroo at the cobble hill nysc for some pilates. we decide, gym clothes on, in FRONT OF THE PILATES STUDIO, to bag that crap and go to the
brooklyn ice cream factory for some ice cream instead.

later on, we met up with coach dodgeball and his high maintenance friend and k-fed and some of his peeps for some petanque (which i learned i could not have been mispronouncing more) at
pit stop. drinks, mussels and cheese. when i ordered a water, the french waiter, who was super nice, asked me a barage of questions:
pit stop: ice or no ice?
i: no ice
pit stop: straw or no straw?
i: uh, no straw
pit stop: lemon or lime?
i: oh, lime would be nice.

a few minutes later a glass of water with ice, a straw and a lemon showed up. now, i don't really care, but why ask all the questions? then every time i saw him he was like "mademoiselle, did you like your water?" i just giggled into my hand. that seemed to work.

sopped up the rest of the day with dinner at little bistro. everything was delicious. go eat there.

blogger spellcheck fumbles:

it's a small blogosphere, after all

i am totally honored to announce that the venerable brooklyn vegan linked to my post on the books show!!

i also found out from prefix (via bv) that the cover i wasn't sure about was massive attack's "teardrops", which makes that visit to the bathroom extremely poorly timed.

also, thanks to canton for finding the not-so-hard-to-find-as-i-thought books website

(i figured there's no need whatsoever to link to the lyrics for it's a small world, as no doubt you are all cursing me for getting it stuck in your head anyway)

vocabulary lesson

dictionary.com's word of the day for yesterday:

defenestrate \dee-FEN-uh-strayt\, transitive verb: To throw out of a window.

i love that there is a word for this...