spring proclamation

i was just talking with one of the lawyers here at the jobby job and i told him that we should really all go home as it's such a nice day. he told me to draft an all staff email for such an occasion, and living in my own little world as i do, i did it.

to: All Staff
Re: Spring/Summer hours

Due to the prevalence of lovely springtime days, we will be instituting new hours for the fairer seasons.
Any day during which the temperature is between 70 and 80 degrees farenheit shall be optional. For everyone's convenience, please do not arrive at the office before 11am or leave after 4pm. We do not want those who chose to stay home altogether to feel guilty.
The dress code is off. Pjs, shorts, flip flops, excessively short skirts and tank tops are absolutely fine. Feel free to skip through the office with no shoes on.
Worktime naps should be taken between the hours of 11am and 12noon and 2 and 4pm. Pillows are available in the conference room.
If you are listening to music at your desk, please make sure it is pretty. No one wants a depressing song in the spring.
Lunchtime will be extended for at least 30 minutes. We will provide petty cash for those of you who did not bring your lunch.
Please keep your internet surfing limited to emailing and reading blogs. We do not want to ruin the lovliness with thoughts of war, murder, the mta or any other displeasing topics.
Remember to spend time chatting on im and gchat. You need to make plans for all your gorgeous afternoons.
There will be bonuses given to those who continually leave the office and go straight to bars to enjoy alcoholism out of doors.

Should the weather be inclement, (i.e., rain, thunder, hail, wind, general gloominess) please stay home and sleep. Cranky workers are poor workers. You need your rest and no one likes getting up when it's yucky out.

If you choose to come in to the office, please be advised that we will be showing "the west wing" in the main conference room in the morning, followed by a rotation of "family guy", "america's funniest home videos" and "america's next top model" in the afternoons. Beer and marijuana will be provided.
Further, please do not mess about with the subway anymore. Hired cars will be provided. Or, if you prefer, we can rent you a sweet convertible. Parking will be provided.

Should you have any questions or requests about this new policy, please email us.

The bosses.