21 September 2005

do not have any kind of medical problem at trump tower. ever.

i am fortunate enough to work near Trump Tower, home of the "finest restaurants in the world", and i do, occasionally, dine there. in the food court. i was down there today with a friend and the woman beside us was coughing. a lot. i am heartless, but i'm still pretty sure nothing much was wrong with this lady. something went down the wrong pipe and she was gonna have to hack for a while. it's happened to me. no big deal, unless you're at trump tower.

firstly, it was freaking discusting, she was coughing into this towel thingy and it sounded pretty gross, gagging and gurgling and all. i felt bad for her, but had it been me, i would have removed myself from the area in which at least 20 people were in the midst of eating their lunches. but she didn't seem to mind. there were two guys trying to "help" her. one was a chef-type who kept running for fresh phlegm rags and the other a security-type who is a danger to society.

there is a rule of choking, namely, the choker is unable to breathe. it is under those
circumstances that one should administer the heimlech manouver. you should not try to administer the heimlich manouver when the choker is not choking, but has in fact, swallowed a raisin that got caught in her throat and is now merely having spasms. further, you should not aim the choker at me, for i am eating lunch and do not want to be hit with said raisin should it become dislodged from the choker's throat or lung.

regardless, the security-type, who clearly failed the Secret Service test (what a pity) and was feeling mighty important, grabs the woman, who is roughly 1/2 his size, and starts heimliching ths shit out of her. my lunchmate was facing the wrong direction, so i was giving her the play by play and we were trying out best not to giggle at the sheer incompetence being displayed in front of that horrible marble waterfall and scored by Frank Sinatra.

the victim apparently didn't know she wasn't choking, either, because she didn't yell "stop doing that you fucking moron, i'm not choking, you're going to break my ribs". she just kept coughing into her towel and gagging. she was ready for something to come out.

eventually they (at least three other blue-suited, earpiece havers had shown up by then) decided that even if the woman is choking, it's far better to smack her on the back as hard as possible rather than risk cracking her ribs. again, the woman evidently had no idea what was good for her, because she let 'em do it. "leave me the hell alone" would have been the only thing dislodged from my mouth if they'd tried that bullshit with me, but she was just freakin'. this went on for god knows how long and i began severely regretting my choice of cream of asparagus soup, which is just short of repulsive even when there's not a woman gagging and being beaten to death at the table next to you.

finally, a flock of emt's showed up and rescued her from the care of the mad bluesuits. right about the time she stopped coughing.

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