my comments on the oscars
1. reese witherspoon needs to shut the hell up
2. jon stewart was great, people should stop giving him shit.
3. charlize theron's "they'll give me an oscar if i look like shit" strategy has failed. you're pretty, deal.
4. here is why crash won: the gay vote went to either brokeback or capote, the jew vote went to munich and good night, and good luck., rendering all four contenders useless. the nine straight goyim on the academy pooled all their votes into crash and they won.
07 March 2006
top things i agree with manlio about
he really does rule. he hates the same assholes on the subway i do. only he left out the guy who has to sit with his legs spread as wide as possible so i can barely fit into the seat. and the woman who stands over me holding onto the bar above the seats and lets her purse continually smack me in the face. and the woman who walks past me on the platform and mushes into me with her bag and doesn't say excuse me. and the people who think the most logical time to search for their metrocard is when they're already halfway in the turnstile. oh, and the pregnant women who WON'T take my seat when i offer it to them. take the seat, woman!
you'd think people wouldn't be so horrible to each other in a place where it would be so easy for me to throw them in front of a train. go figure.
you'd think people wouldn't be so horrible to each other in a place where it would be so easy for me to throw them in front of a train. go figure.
live at the "i'll bust your motherfucking head in, bitch"
direct from canton cooks in the atlanta bureau, here is a story of a man who clearly "listened to his own music, had a moment of clarity in realizing just how mind-rotting it is, and snapped."
06 March 2006
oh, fuck it. i'm gonna have a party
we finally had the party(tm).
let's put it this way, lots of people showed up.
some of them brought a lot of booze, but it was all slurped up by the time we cleaned up sunday.
we had 1 1/2 kegs. both of which were kicked by 330 (i think. ZERO concept of time.).
there was yet another victim of the "put on this weird fleece thingy my boss gave me and let me get a picture of you in it" (strangely enough, he'd already been documented in said outfit a year ago and requested a re-shoot).
at one point, i thought to myself "there was absolutely no reason for me to smoke that".
at another point i thought "there is no way for me to even remotely estimate how many beers i've had".
there was dancing.
i burned the hell out of my hand during the sparklers portion of the evening.
i also lost the teensyest bit of hair in the same debacle.
xx managed to pull a party foul as both a hostess and a guest at the SAME party, spilling a number of beers at our place and knocking over a bottle of wine at the neighbors'.
for this we commend her.
guillaume turned up with his mom.
xx's dean of students was there until 3am.
we have a pretty hot downstairs neighbor i didn't know about.
there were chips, pretzels and munchkins (thanks j&j) and cookies (thanks whoever brought those) and there was nothing left.
when i get very drunk i correct my own grammar.
with a massive delay.
i came very close to asking someone to leave when she told me how excited she was for the coldplay concert, because she'd heard they're even better than billy joel live!
there is a solid portion of the evening i do not remember.
midnight cowboy is not the movie you want to watch with a hangover.
it's hard to put together a highlight reel when the footage has holes burnt in it and is soaked in beer.
let's put it this way, lots of people showed up.
some of them brought a lot of booze, but it was all slurped up by the time we cleaned up sunday.
we had 1 1/2 kegs. both of which were kicked by 330 (i think. ZERO concept of time.).
there was yet another victim of the "put on this weird fleece thingy my boss gave me and let me get a picture of you in it" (strangely enough, he'd already been documented in said outfit a year ago and requested a re-shoot).
at one point, i thought to myself "there was absolutely no reason for me to smoke that".
at another point i thought "there is no way for me to even remotely estimate how many beers i've had".
there was dancing.
i burned the hell out of my hand during the sparklers portion of the evening.
i also lost the teensyest bit of hair in the same debacle.
xx managed to pull a party foul as both a hostess and a guest at the SAME party, spilling a number of beers at our place and knocking over a bottle of wine at the neighbors'.
for this we commend her.
guillaume turned up with his mom.
xx's dean of students was there until 3am.
we have a pretty hot downstairs neighbor i didn't know about.
there were chips, pretzels and munchkins (thanks j&j) and cookies (thanks whoever brought those) and there was nothing left.
when i get very drunk i correct my own grammar.
with a massive delay.
i came very close to asking someone to leave when she told me how excited she was for the coldplay concert, because she'd heard they're even better than billy joel live!
there is a solid portion of the evening i do not remember.
midnight cowboy is not the movie you want to watch with a hangover.
it's hard to put together a highlight reel when the footage has holes burnt in it and is soaked in beer.
fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd, smiling
i know there's a lot of ground to cover what with the party and the oscars, but since i feel like a narcoleptic today, you'll have to satisfy yourselves with this short little tale.
i was reading stereogum and noticing the new ambulance ltd mp3 they have, i absentmindedly clicked on it, being that i have adored some of their songs in the past and i vaguely remember them being rather entertaining at cmj. anyway, i read the clip and somehow, despite them clearly talking about pink floyd in the article, didn't realize it was one of my very favorite pink floyd songs, fearless, until it started playing.
see them for new calexio snacks. and surely you've asked: what would happen if radiohead ever went funk? this.
i was reading stereogum and noticing the new ambulance ltd mp3 they have, i absentmindedly clicked on it, being that i have adored some of their songs in the past and i vaguely remember them being rather entertaining at cmj. anyway, i read the clip and somehow, despite them clearly talking about pink floyd in the article, didn't realize it was one of my very favorite pink floyd songs, fearless, until it started playing.
see them for new calexio snacks. and surely you've asked: what would happen if radiohead ever went funk? this.
03 March 2006
the video game equivalent of 'the office'
The goal of Desert Bus was to, quite simply, drive a bus from Tucson, Arizona to Las Vegas, Nevada; a very very boring drive, as those of us who have done it know. There were a couple catches, though: in the game, your bus could not go over 45 miles per hour. Also, it veered to the right, just ever so slightly, so you could not simply tape down the accelerator button on your Genesis pad and leave the game alone; you had to man the wheel at all times. Oh, and did we mention the trip takes eight hours, in real time?
"You saw nothing. It was just desert stuff going by," said Jillette. "And there was a little green tree hanging from the rear-view mirror, one of those things that makes your car smell better? And it would just kind of drift in slowly to one corner of the screen. And you couldn't take your hands off the controller, and if you did...it didn't have a spectacular crash, it just slowly went into the sand, and then overheated and stopped, and then the game was you being towed backwards all the way back to Tucson."
"And when you went from Tucson to Vegas and did the full 8 hours, you had bus stops, and the bus stops...you could stop and open the door, but no one got on. No one's ever waiting for you. And if you went by them you weren't punished at all, because nobody was there. It meant nothing. And a bug hit your windshield five times during the eight hours, and that was the only animation. It was just road after road after road. Eight hours of desert bus. And then when you got in - and I love this - when you got into Vegas and pulled in and stopped, the counter - which was five zeros - went to 1. You got 1 point for an eight hour shift, and then a guy came in and said, 'Do you want to pull a double shift, Mac?' And then you could drive back to Tucson for another eight hours for another point."
(waxy)
"You saw nothing. It was just desert stuff going by," said Jillette. "And there was a little green tree hanging from the rear-view mirror, one of those things that makes your car smell better? And it would just kind of drift in slowly to one corner of the screen. And you couldn't take your hands off the controller, and if you did...it didn't have a spectacular crash, it just slowly went into the sand, and then overheated and stopped, and then the game was you being towed backwards all the way back to Tucson."
"And when you went from Tucson to Vegas and did the full 8 hours, you had bus stops, and the bus stops...you could stop and open the door, but no one got on. No one's ever waiting for you. And if you went by them you weren't punished at all, because nobody was there. It meant nothing. And a bug hit your windshield five times during the eight hours, and that was the only animation. It was just road after road after road. Eight hours of desert bus. And then when you got in - and I love this - when you got into Vegas and pulled in and stopped, the counter - which was five zeros - went to 1. You got 1 point for an eight hour shift, and then a guy came in and said, 'Do you want to pull a double shift, Mac?' And then you could drive back to Tucson for another eight hours for another point."
(waxy)
the real question is, will you be able to get to the party?
the D is doing that thing again. uptown to b'way/lafayette, then on the A from w4 north...
F trains are express from ave X to 18 ave. good news if you want to go to coney island
there's nothing really going on with the N and R but the N was running local after canal last weekend, so look out for that sneaky trick.
Safety reminder of the week: Interrupting subway door closings interrupts service for everyone.
only YOU can make the MTA slower.
F trains are express from ave X to 18 ave. good news if you want to go to coney island
there's nothing really going on with the N and R but the N was running local after canal last weekend, so look out for that sneaky trick.
Safety reminder of the week: Interrupting subway door closings interrupts service for everyone.
only YOU can make the MTA slower.
02 March 2006
useful? very. smart? not so much
it is now easier than ever to decide where to get wasted on what day. drinkdeal spits out a list/map of all the bars in whatever neighborhood you fancy (although the selection in brooklyn clearly needs some work--i'm willing to do some research) and what their beer, liquor, happy hour, etc. specials are.
ganked from gothamist
ganked from gothamist
it looks like i've proved the maj's math teacher wrong
i did not sneeze yesterday. at least not that i can remember. i will still be keeping track, because i realize if any day had a rather large margin of error, it was probably yesterday.
for the record, i went to the fucking gym last night. because i am clearly mentally disturbed.
for the record, i went to the fucking gym last night. because i am clearly mentally disturbed.
i try not to throw these around, but
01 March 2006
four brain cells remaining
i: hey, is there a word for, like, 'apatheticness'?
i: right, i bet it's just apathy. huh.
i: right, i bet it's just apathy. huh.
how to get fired on lunch
1. go out to lunch with stella
2. compare the previous night's binge drinking notes. include how you a) showed up at work still tipsy and b) invented something you call "fuckball" (be sure to explain, in detail, perhaps with an example, how it works)
3. repeatedly mention how you've only done about 15 minutes of work
4. talk about the drugs you and your friends may or may not do
5. notice one of the vice presidents of the company as she leaves the table right behind you and says "hi there"
2. compare the previous night's binge drinking notes. include how you a) showed up at work still tipsy and b) invented something you call "fuckball" (be sure to explain, in detail, perhaps with an example, how it works)
3. repeatedly mention how you've only done about 15 minutes of work
4. talk about the drugs you and your friends may or may not do
5. notice one of the vice presidents of the company as she leaves the table right behind you and says "hi there"
we were warned, yeah, we were warned not to stay out too late
where to start.
ck one, now and forever redubbed the west river, and i busted out of the joint early and cabbed it over to 54th and 10th ave for the old colbert report. there was a lot, A LOT, of waiting involved. they sent out a fluffer comic to warm up the crowd, and he was pretty funny. i can't remember a single one of his jokes.
then SC himself came out and was really fun. he ran around and jumped up on his desk and made strange gestures. the show itself was a good one. it's pretty interesting to watch how it's all taped and stuff. it's also weird how they make you fake laugh a bunch before the show.
it really was much more exciting than it seems from this lame description, but you can watch the show.
i was super late to the WYB! game, but did manage to make it in time to play the last two games. we were defeated. rather badly. we pulled it out to three games at least, and we all had some amazing shots, including one of the best shots i've ever seen by the maj, which in the most unfair and unjust way knocked our opponent's ball right out of the way only to have it roll right back where it was. i've never experienced such a sharp drop in emotion in my life. coach dodgeball also threw some nice ones, as did the schwartz, i got one super shot in right when i showed up and then could not get the ball to do what i wanted. i was also trying to play and eat a kabob sandwich at the same time, which ain't so easy. we were all having problems.
so now we are 0-2. we have a double header on monday, and i hope we can pull off a miracle. maybe we should watch hoosiers or something before the game.
we hung out for a couple after the game and then manlio and i decided that one more couldn't hurt, so we popped over to last exit. two beers, two shots and two vodka cranberries later (and seriously, i'm really not sure how i managed to drink all that), i'd mistaken danzig for the doors, sang 'sweet chile o' mine' poorly and decided that maybe arranged marriage isn't such a bad idea, because if it sucks, you just blame your parents. oh, yeah, and we invented "fuckball"(patent pending), so when you're out and wasted, you can send a text message and it tells you if there are other people of your sexual preference nearby who are drunk enough to hook up with you.
it came as quite a surprise when i woke up drunk this morning. there's always that short period right when you wake up and think to yourself, "why am i trying to hail a taxi from my bed?" and then you realize, "because i got shitfaced last night" and then you stand up and put on your slippers and almost fall over and think "and it seems as though i am still shitfaced" i might actually still be drunk now, although i have a headache, which suggests a hangover.
manlio's side of the story
ck one, now and forever redubbed the west river, and i busted out of the joint early and cabbed it over to 54th and 10th ave for the old colbert report. there was a lot, A LOT, of waiting involved. they sent out a fluffer comic to warm up the crowd, and he was pretty funny. i can't remember a single one of his jokes.
then SC himself came out and was really fun. he ran around and jumped up on his desk and made strange gestures. the show itself was a good one. it's pretty interesting to watch how it's all taped and stuff. it's also weird how they make you fake laugh a bunch before the show.
it really was much more exciting than it seems from this lame description, but you can watch the show.
i was super late to the WYB! game, but did manage to make it in time to play the last two games. we were defeated. rather badly. we pulled it out to three games at least, and we all had some amazing shots, including one of the best shots i've ever seen by the maj, which in the most unfair and unjust way knocked our opponent's ball right out of the way only to have it roll right back where it was. i've never experienced such a sharp drop in emotion in my life. coach dodgeball also threw some nice ones, as did the schwartz, i got one super shot in right when i showed up and then could not get the ball to do what i wanted. i was also trying to play and eat a kabob sandwich at the same time, which ain't so easy. we were all having problems.
so now we are 0-2. we have a double header on monday, and i hope we can pull off a miracle. maybe we should watch hoosiers or something before the game.
we hung out for a couple after the game and then manlio and i decided that one more couldn't hurt, so we popped over to last exit. two beers, two shots and two vodka cranberries later (and seriously, i'm really not sure how i managed to drink all that), i'd mistaken danzig for the doors, sang 'sweet chile o' mine' poorly and decided that maybe arranged marriage isn't such a bad idea, because if it sucks, you just blame your parents. oh, yeah, and we invented "fuckball"(patent pending), so when you're out and wasted, you can send a text message and it tells you if there are other people of your sexual preference nearby who are drunk enough to hook up with you.it came as quite a surprise when i woke up drunk this morning. there's always that short period right when you wake up and think to yourself, "why am i trying to hail a taxi from my bed?" and then you realize, "because i got shitfaced last night" and then you stand up and put on your slippers and almost fall over and think "and it seems as though i am still shitfaced" i might actually still be drunk now, although i have a headache, which suggests a hangover.
manlio's side of the story
28 February 2006
if you start without me, say my name as you begin
well, ck one and i are off to the colbert report.
and then i will rage in frustration as the mta takes too long to pull me to brooklyn and i'll be late for my first bocce game of the season/new year.
and then i will rage in frustration as the mta takes too long to pull me to brooklyn and i'll be late for my first bocce game of the season/new year.
be glad you didn't make it to ihop in time
anyone besides stella know about this german cannibal?
sploid does.
"They both tried to eat it. But did not succeed, either raw or fried," said chief prosecutor Markus Köhler.
(the "it" to which they are referring is the cannibalee's wee-wee)
and yes, it does get worse.
sploid does.
"They both tried to eat it. But did not succeed, either raw or fried," said chief prosecutor Markus Köhler.
(the "it" to which they are referring is the cannibalee's wee-wee)
and yes, it does get worse.
867-5309
this smart ass chose an email address that has black hole-like effects on wayward emails and text messages. i wonder if he gets, like, EVERYONE's dodgeballs.
if you're on the west coast, there's still time
to get to ihop for free pancakes ('til 2pm). it's pancake day. stella has been telling me this for weeks. it's some british thing where you eat pancakes (which, of course are closer to crepes than american style flapjacks). anyway, office pirates remind us of all the other wonderful things going on on this, the 28th and final day of february 2006.
you never knew it, but you've been waiting for this all your life
you can search podcasts. in a big way. these guys have like transcripted all the podcasts (i think) and you can type in whatever you're looking for and get a list of podcasts. this is one of those things that's almost so useful it causes a major setback. like i'll start searching for all kinds of shit i want to know about and then realize i don't have time to listen to 37 days' worth of podcasts. but i'm sure it will prove helpful at some point.
(boingboing)
on a related note. see karl's t shirts.
(boingboing)
on a related note. see karl's t shirts.
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