I looked at my suitcase this morning, after forgetting what a suitcase was called (no lie), and felt like a newborn child. what the fuck do i put in this thing? everything? nothing?
in the before tines, i could (and did) pack half asleep with one hand behind my back. i had a system, bags for short haul and long haul equipment, chargers for business trips and phone leads for every occasion. now i stare at these things and think 'how many toothbrushes to i need for five nights away?', 'am i really going on this holiday?', 'will i get to come home after this holiday?'.
similarly, the last week or so i've had to leave the house with more than one credit card or just my keys and phone. i've had to start the slow road back to carrying 'stuff' around with me. loyalty cards (looking at you, nando's), oyster card, bottles of water. things i used to carry with out thinking but that now seem a particularly frustrating and outdated burden. i can see that i will probably be a person who finally puts a nectar card on my phone in the near future.
but of course now i can go to a restaurant, order some texas brisket, and eat it. in a restaurant. with other humans i don't know sitting around me. and finally have a conversation that maybe is only 70% related to this fucking pandemic. in. a. restaurant.
i look at my passport. it's hard to tell which side is the front from five years of intensely frequent shoving into back pockets, back packs, handbags, whatever. it was last used in february, and even then to go to and return from a funeral, so it's been a while since the poor thing had any fun.
but then again, i also hear the traffic all the time again. the birds arent there (audibly) in the early morning anymore. of course neither is the crushing fear of dying/losing someone/collapse of society into a dystopian nightmare/catastrophic economic repercussions/global poverty and starvation/weakened immunity from all diseases caused by lack of contact with normal bugs we just bat away (no pun intended) thoughtlessly and any number of myriad other nightmares that for most of us were merely the premise of a bad Michael Bay film. a lot of that is still there, but i've gotten better at forcing myself out of bed in spite of it.
as a person who's somehow remained employed throughout this utter disaster of a year, i find now that it's my personal responsibility to re-start this economy. i need to get on planes, not simply (but absolutely still) for my own sanity, but for the flight attendants, pilots, baggage handlers, guys who work at pret at the airport, train drivers, etc. possibly the best and worst thing to come out of this has been the way it's forced everyone to see just how connected we are to each other, whether we like it or not.
i've always been dorky enough to think about supply chains. ill go to a chinese restaurant and ask how many ducks they go through in a day. but i think a lot of people dont. and now the time is here for all of us to realise just how important our spending, and our spending habits, are. support jobs, and business. support ethical purchasing. everyone just got the reset button mashed on their whole lifestyle. we got a do-over. use it. especially bc some people won't get the chance to make different choices. their choices will be 'feed my kid or feed myself?', 'go to work and risk getting ill or stay home and risk getting evicted.' and it is also because of this that those of us who have any kind of spare cash need to go spend it. the more people we can employ, safely, the fewer people will need taking care of. and, i'd like to think, the better we can take care of everyone. i realise that last part is pretty much a pipe dream, but someone out there needs to have some goddamned hope right now, so it's gonna be me.
but of course, people are still dying. countries are at different phases, so sometimes the option isnt there. but i am not sick, and i do have common sense and know how to wash my hands and social distance, and i do have a job, so i am getting on that plane to keep a gelateria from going out of business. and when i get back i will do the same for as many places as i can afford. call it the 'engine starting tax'.
so i will go to italy (maybe) in a few days. and look out over an alpine lake. and sanitize my hands before i fall asleep reading by the pool with a mask on and suffocate.
