let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see

I looked at my suitcase this morning, after forgetting what a suitcase was called (no lie), and felt like a newborn child. what the fuck do i put in this thing? everything? nothing?

in the before tines, i could (and did) pack half asleep with one hand behind my back. i had a system, bags for short haul and long haul equipment, chargers for business trips and phone leads for every occasion. now i stare at these things and think 'how many toothbrushes to i need for five nights away?', 'am i really going on this holiday?', 'will i get to come home after this holiday?'.

similarly, the last week or so i've had to leave the house with more than one credit card or just my keys and phone. i've had to start the slow road back to carrying 'stuff' around with me. loyalty cards (looking at you, nando's), oyster card, bottles of water. things i used to carry with out thinking but that now seem a particularly frustrating and outdated burden. i can see that i will probably be a person who finally puts a nectar card on my phone in the near future.

but of course now i can go to a restaurant, order some texas brisket, and eat it. in a restaurant. with other humans i don't know sitting around me. and finally have a conversation that maybe is only 70% related to this fucking pandemic. in. a. restaurant.

i look at my passport. it's hard to tell which side is the front from five years of intensely frequent shoving into back pockets, back packs, handbags, whatever. it was last used in february, and even then to go to and return from a funeral, so it's been a while since the poor thing had any fun.

but then again, i also hear the traffic all the time again. the birds arent there (audibly) in the early morning anymore. of course neither is the crushing fear of dying/losing someone/collapse of society into a dystopian nightmare/catastrophic economic repercussions/global poverty and starvation/weakened immunity from all diseases caused by lack of contact with normal bugs we just bat away (no pun intended) thoughtlessly and any number of myriad other nightmares that for most of us were merely the premise of a bad Michael Bay film. a lot of that is still there, but i've gotten better at forcing myself out of bed in spite of it.

as a person who's somehow remained employed throughout this utter disaster of a year, i find now that it's my personal responsibility to re-start this economy. i need to get on planes, not simply (but absolutely still) for my own sanity, but for the flight attendants, pilots, baggage handlers, guys who work at pret at the airport, train drivers, etc. possibly the best and worst thing to come out of this has been the way it's forced everyone to see just how connected we are to each other, whether we like it or not.

i've always been dorky enough to think about supply chains. ill go to a chinese restaurant and ask how many ducks they go through in a day. but i think a lot of people dont. and now the time is here for all of us to realise just how important our spending, and our spending habits, are. support jobs, and business. support ethical purchasing. everyone just got the reset button mashed on their whole lifestyle. we got a do-over. use it. especially bc some people won't get the chance to make different choices. their choices will be 'feed my kid or feed myself?', 'go to work and risk getting ill or stay home and risk getting evicted.' and it is also because of this that those of us who have any kind of spare cash need to go spend it. the more people we can employ, safely, the fewer people will need taking care of. and, i'd like to think, the better we can take care of everyone. i realise that last part is pretty much a pipe dream, but someone out there needs to have some goddamned hope right now, so it's gonna be me.

but of course, people are still dying. countries are at different phases, so sometimes the option isnt there. but i am not sick, and i do have common sense and know how to wash my hands and social distance, and i do have a job, so i am getting on that plane to keep a gelateria from going out of business. and when i get back i will do the same for as many places as i can afford. call it the 'engine starting tax'.

so i will go to italy (maybe) in a few days. and look out over an alpine lake. and sanitize my hands before i fall asleep reading by the pool with a mask on and suffocate.

you wait for darkness then you wait for day

it's time to ask myself, do i really like going to gigs? i hate the guys who don't stop talking, i hate the people who are going to or from the bar or toilet who (even in this moronically overly apologetic country) don't say 'sorry', 'excuse me' or even 'back the fuck up, homes', i hate the couple (there is always at least one) who seem to think that if they are not completely entwined at all times perhaps the world will fall apart, i hate standing up, i hate the bit before the opener/after the opener before main part, i hate the wait before the encore, i hate holding my bag/jacket/beer, i hate that they start/end so late and never take place in my living room.

these feelings are not new. not at all, but now, on the eve of my 35-and-a-half birthday (happy birthday, maj!!), i am old enough to admit: i can't wait till they are over.

it all starts with an email announcing [insert mildly esoteric band here]'s impending arrival and listing an on-sale date. cut to day tickets arrive in post--yay! can't wait to see them/they were so good last time! doors arent till 8? wtf? cut to afternoon of actual gig--hmmm, why didn't i book?/thank god i booked seats. it's gonna take SO LONG to get home. who is this random opener?

yes, yes, the point is on its way.

the thing is, for all the crap that annoys me about gigs, ill still react the same way whenever i get those emails, because gigs are good, and fun, and interesting. and i love them. even if BtS didnt play 'the weather' (again), you might see them play 'while my guitar gently weeps' or 'dont fear the reaper' and 'how soon is now'. 

so i will go, and i will moan, and razberet and i will continue to develop 'home by 10 productions', for people who like to gig, but like to do it early, and sitting, and with an established personal space for all in attendance, and with the promise that you'll be tucked up in bed by 1030. and ill shift my weight but reshift it anyway so i can keep tapping my foot, and do the indie head bounce dance, and look at guys in checked shirts, and drink a few beers, and spill some on me, and wait for them to end, and be sad when they do.

it's a lullaby from a giant golden radio

the haze is wearing off. all of london has woken from a collective dream. a sort of time when the nerdy girl is asked to sit at the cool table and the cute jock takes a shine to her, when the guy working at gregg's gets talent scouted by a hollywood producer, when all the dreams you'd almost given up on come true, so much so that you have a lingering fear of when it will all end. well, end it has.

at first we wondered if it would last. one day of 22 degrees and sun sent us into a panic. 'get out, get drunk, every outdoor activity on the list for TODAY, people, we don't know when we'll get another chance'.

but then, we rolled over in our sleep, let out a satisfied sigh and the dream went on. sunshine, not in bits and pieces, but a lengthy, reliable stretch of halcyon days. followed of course by truly british complaints of it maybe being ever-so-slightly too warm.

we basked in long evenings at the pub, not even thinking of wearing jackets. we wore the hopeful summer wardrobes in legitimate summer weather, and even had to repeat outfits! we made plans for outdoor activities without fear, without the traditional british plan b of an indoor activity.

but now, the jackets and coats have come out. we eye up the darker colours in our wardrobes and try our jeans on again for the first time in months. we relocate our brollies - the work brolly and the home brolly - 'where on earth did i chuck those hoping never to see them again?'

but it's not tragic, far from it. walking along the streets of london the last couple of days i sensed a feeling of relief. we have awoken, we are rested, the dream is over, we return to our table of geeks and our job at gregg's. we have returned to our element(s).

after all, this weather is our home.

too important for all that song and link malarkey

this is more of a news bulletin than anything else cause i find these two facts amazing enough independently and almost circuit-shorting when combined.

Three-time Academy Award-winner Daniel-Day Lewis is half Jewish. He also supports Millwall FC. 

oh when you're cold, ill be there

ugh, SARA, what else is going on? it's not like we're content with some bullshit about how fancy you are cause you puked four times in a northeastern english train station. like you think that's interesting? well it's not. it's boring and i have a mind to stop reading this shit altogether if you dont come up with something better.

something like, say, pictures from London's brand-new (for-the-time-being) tallest building in Europe?

FINE

who likes instagram!?! razberet totally gave me a trip up the shiznard for christmakah so we went a few weeks ago. on opening weekend. cause we are fucking trendsetters.

Trend. setters. first we went for brunch at the drift. it's a little chain that's got some of the twee-est decor ever but i love it despite my generally grumpy-arse self.

we had some decision-making issues so ordered (and shared) a sausage sandwich, eggs florentine and some bubble and squeak with a poached egg on top. it was faaaaabulous. i might. even. have. a -- oh here it is. there you can see the sandwich and the eggs and the B&S (really good).

as i said, this place is part of a small chain. i've been to the folly near bank and had some fabulous scotch eggs and mac n cheese, and the refinery, which does lovely cocktails and occasionally sort of has bocce. it's a decent little chain. if you find yourself near one, it's worth popping in.

I'm not about to blow [chunks] now

my god where to begin. a month's absence! it might be hard to believe but there are actual people on this green earth who are upset with me. so here i am. back in black. return of the mack. the terminator only nice this time.

following the last post, i went to harrogate for a lovely weekend with the mayoduck family. we went on walks, we sat by the fire, we had pie and lamb for tea, we had hearty breakfasts, we watched it snow, we played with the baby. then we got norovius while on the way to the Yorkshire Dales.

what is fun? well, this much i do know. spending almost two hours freezing in Leeds train station while trying not to retch is not fun. eventually going in to the toilet and staying there because 1. it is warmer and 2. that was your last 30p and in this state of vomergency, i needed to be near a toilet more than i needed anything else. once on the train, i imagine i looked remarkably like a junkie. not many people sit on a 2.5-hour train journey with their gloves, coat, hood, hat and scarf on the whole way, while also shivering constantly.

getting home that night was the best thing that ever happened to me.

i'm sure a few other things have happened, but we'll get to that. the focus now is on the fact that last night razberet and i totally saw dave grohl and a bunch of other mental musicians at the forum. it was amazing, although it was VERY LOUD. i still can't really hear anything. of all the things i figured i'd get to see in my life, most of nirvana playing back up for renditions of 'jessie's girl' and 'i want you to want me' was really not on the list. but wonders, they say, never cease.

speaking of wonders -- did you ALSO know that one of the lines in 'Jessie's girl' is "but the point is probably moot". who the shit is saying 'moot' in songs?!!!?! rick springfield, motherfuckers. that's who.

teeny tiny pre-northern adventure update

Message recieved from mayoduck: 
By the time you get to me tomorrow it'll be late, maybe near midnight. Phone or text me on your travels, let me know if you will want a bit of supper when you get in. I went to my favourite flirtatious butcher today (he's my version of your bagel guy), and I got a steak family pie, and also some leeamb

then she told me that the baby's stroller is getting its all-terrain wheels ready to go. 

i could not be more excited. this may be the one time in my life i'm praying for it NOT to snow very much.